Tips for Talking to Teens

"You never listen to me!" Most parents can readily say they have been the recipient of this accusation on more than one occasion. But communication between parents and teens can work and is something for which to strive. AskDrShook offers these tips and more with the OMGosh Teens Specialty Track:

Be Available

• Notice times when your teens are most likely to talk--for example, at bedtime, before dinner, in the car--and seize the moment. Don’t discount that some of the most rewarding conversations happen spontaneously. The trick is to be alert.


• Start the conversation. When they get home from school, ask them about their day. Yes, they will probably just say "it was okay" and no back and forth conversation will ensue, but it still lets your kids know you care about what's happening in their lives.


• Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child, and avoid scheduling other
  activities during that time. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, or expensive; it’s the time together that counts.


• Learn about your children's interests--for example, favorite music and activities--and show interest in them while at the same time respecting their privacy. A parent’s over interest in their world can be a “deal breaker”.


• Don’t start conversations with a question. That puts them on the spot. Start instead by sharing what you have been thinking about.

Listen and Respond

• Make a rule to listen to everything because when your teen knows you are listening to the little stuff, their faith that you will listen to big stuff as well increases.


• Listen to their point of view even if it's difficult to hear and focus on their feelings instead
  of your own. There will be time for your feelings later.


• Let them complete their point before you respond and don't interrupt. In a national survey, more than half the children said that when they talked, their parents often didn't give them a chance to explain themselves. What a frustrating feeling!


• Talk to your children--don't lecture, criticize, threaten, or say hurtful things. Your goal is
  to have a conversation and conversations involve at least two people. Almost every parent says at least 50% more than he or she should.


• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly. This is important for both of you.


• Soften strong reactions and don’t attack. Kids will tune you out if you appear angry or
  defensive. So take a deep breath before engaging your vocal cords.


• Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it's okay to disagree. Show respect for your teen's opinions and hopefully they will show respect for yours.


• Be yourself and don’t try to talk like your kids or their friends. Teens are smart and will see right through that. You’re a parent so talk like a parent.


• Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation. Are they asking for your advice or do they just need you to listen? (This is good advice in a marriage as well).

There is no recipe for perfect parenting. But it is encouraging to know that parents and teens can bridge the communication gap with a dash of patience and a big scoop of respect. And above all, remember children are never too old to be told that they are loved.