A Different Take on the Twelve Days of Christmas

Christmas carols play merrily on the radio and in all the stores, not to mention in my head almost continuously! As I was listening to the “Twelve Days of Christmas” for the umpteenth time, I thought about taking a new spin on an old favorite.Do you know someone who could use their spirits lifted? The holidays are not always a joyful time for someone who is lonely or overworked. Perhaps it is an elderly neighbor? Or maybe a newly divorced friend? What about that single parent who is struggling to hold it together? I think it would be safe to say that we all know someone who could use a little tender loving care. Consider participating in this Secret Santa exercise as a means to spread good cheer.

For the 12 days of Christmas, drop off a small token of Christmas cheer anonymously. No, I’m not talking about hens, or turtledoves, or even lords a leaping...

Here is a list of ideas:

A table sized Christmas tree

A holiday scented soap

A holiday scented lotion

A bottle of wine or sparkling cider

A small box of chocolates

A homemade treat

A small Christmas decoration

A holiday scented candle

A bag of freshly ground coffee or box of herbal tea

A gift card for a coffee

A gingerbread house kit

A CD of holiday music

Now it may seem like you are helping to raise the spirits of someone in need … and you are. But truly that is not the only end product. You too, will feel blessed. It is invigorating to shop for little special somethings for someone you know will value them. Dropping them off in secret gets the blood flowing. And if you are lucky enough to see or hear the reactions of the recipient, your heart will swell with happiness. AskDrShook would love to hear if you give this version of the “Twelve Days of Christmas” a try. Please leave a comment and tell me how it went.

A Holiday Survival Guide for the Newly Divorced

Divorce – you’ve got company. In fact you are part of the 19 million divorced adults in this country alone. But although the statistics say you aren’t alone, the loneliness you feel during the holidays begs to differ. The holidays can be a painful time when experiencing the sadness associated with divorce.

Here are a few tips from AskDrShook to help you ease the sting of the festivities.

1. Chart the Course: Look for and plan activities that are fun, relaxing, and stress reducing with friends who bring a smile to your face.



2. Respect Past Traditions: If you and your kids always spent Christmas Eve with your ex-spouse’s parents, let your kids continue this even though it means you won’t be included. Although tough on you, placing the priority on your children is a win-win.



3. Create New Traditions: Your imagination is your only limitation on this one.



4. Engage the Support System: Surround yourself with friends and other family members and don’t isolate yourself. Spend time with people who are invested in helping you get the most out of life.



5. Alone days – You won't be able to avoid them so consider volunteering for a charity, schedule a spa day, read that book you haven’t had time for, jump into a home project you have been putting off (painting a room, refinish a table), start a hobby…



6. Take Care of Yourself: Now is not the time to drown yourself in holiday fudge or self-medicate with adult beverages. It may feel great while you are indulging, but will cause more problems in the long run.



7. Don’t Give into your Inner Scrooge: Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you can’t have a tree, bake holiday cookies, or decorate. Hang that stocking from the chimney with care.



8. Be Realistic: There is no such thing as a “perfect” holiday. Examine your own expectations and dial them down a notch or perhaps two.
   

When it comes to navigating the holiday season after a divorce, balance is the key. Stress and negative feelings are bound to surface, so making time to do the activities you enjoy is essential. Put forth your best effort to relax and celebrate to the best of your abilities.

Ask Dr Shook offers practical advice and information on regaining your life after a divorce in the Divorce Recovery Specialty Track.

Tools to Help You Parent Your Teen

I'm so excited to launch my online Life Coaching Website! Rather than a traditional blog this morning, I want to introduce to you what to expect from just one of my specialty tracts - OMGosh Teens!

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 1- Teen Issues in Today’s World
Teens today face many rough situations that most parents don’t know anything about. Listening and providing a safe environment for them is very important to get them though these hard years. Communicate and set a good example of the adult you want them to become. Learn how to listen and communicate with your teen to promote a healthy relationship.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 2- Teen Friendships and Identity
Friendship and style changes happen frequently in high school. Knowing what your teen is doing with their friends and saying online is critical. Always be willing to help promote healthy and quality friendships. Learn how to regulate but also be accepting of your teen’s style and friends.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 3- Drugs & Alcohol Use and Abuse
Drinking, cigarettes, and drugs are more popular than ever for high school students. Talking to your teen about it is the best thing you can do. Learn the obvious signs of alcohol or drug abuse and how to open up to your teen about it.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 4- Values and Priorities
Teaching your teen about values and priorities is necessary now and throughout their lives. Quality time with family is a small way to make a big difference in your teen’s life. Learn how to communicate and be positive to reinforce your relationship.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 5- Mental Health Issues
Sex and addictions are vital to talk to your teen about. Boundaries are an important thing to discuss to prevent bad habits. Mental disorders develop during teenage years; your teen could be struggling more than you think. Learn the signs of mental disorders and addictions for your teen and how to approach your teen about it.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 6- Talking to Your Teen and Setting Goals
Setting goals can be very meaningful to your teen. Be a good example and positive influence in their life. Making good decisions for yourself shows your teen how to make better decisions for themselves. God has big plans for you and your teen’s lives. Learn how to discuss and be supportive of your teen’s goals.

OMGosh Teens Life Coaching Podcast 7- Money, Discipline, and Step Parenting
Teens have a hard time being wise with money and discussing it with them is important. Discipline and positive reinforcement can help your children learn from their life experiences. Step parenting is hard, especially with teens, so having the right approach is vital. Learn how to communicate better with your teen about money and finances, discipline, and how to be a better stepparent.

Downloadable Materials
OMGosh Teen Life Coaching Workbook- Includes Outline and Questions for Each Podcast
Teen Driving Contract
Teen Dating Contract
Your Teen Is Turning 18…
Assessing Your Teen’s Alcohol and Drug Use
What To Do If Your Child is Being Bullied
What To Do If You Suspect/Discover Your Child Is A Bully
Out of Home Treatment Options- Analysis of Different Options
Promoting Volunteerism In Teens

Book Referral List
Website Referral List

Take a look at my other specialty tracts on AskDrShook.com and let me know what you think. Any other topics you would like to see me cover?

Counting your Blessings

As Thanksgiving approaches, are you thinking about your blessings?

A 2003 study suggests that people who count their blessings are generally happier and healthier than people who don't (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).

It may be as easy as taking time each day to note that day’s moment of gratefulness. Many facebook users publicize their blessings daily in the month of November. Some are quite poetic recounting the importance of family. Others, it appears are searching for something to say and may just end up being thankful for a cup of hot coffee. But that’s the point really. Even in the worst of days, we can find something that we appreciate. And it is that practice of looking for the good in the midst of bad, that we learn to have a positive outlook on life.

Today’s call to action is to identify one (or more) blessings in your life and to do so each day until Thanksgiving. Whether you use Facebook or a personal journal to chronicle them, challenge yourself to take a look at your life and be grateful for what you have. And if you are so inclined, don’t stop at Thanksgiving. Make it a daily ritual to count your blessings; you will feel blessed in return.

Ask Dr Shook will be sharing meaning quotes each day to inspire you in your quest to discover your blessings.

Seven Tips to Break the Cycle of Emotional Eating

See if you recognize this cycle: Emotional eating leads to poor food choices. These poor choices lead to feeling bad about ourselves. Feeling bad about ourselves leads to more poor food choices. So destructive, isn't it. Let’s take a look at how to combat a common emotion such as stress with good nutrition and break that nasty cycle.

Eat Breakfast: Skipping breakfast is the worst decision you can make. Breakfast jump-starts your metabolism and produces enzymes needed to metabolize fat to lose weight. It also helps to maintain stable blood sugar which helps to maintain stable emotions.

Replace Coffee with Green Tea: If you’re a coffee junkie, you may not realize that if you ingest high levels of caffeine, your mood will soar only to then plummet, leaving you craving more caffeine to make it soar again, causing you to lose sleep, suffer health consequences and, of course, feel more stress. Green tea (decaffeinated) is full of antioxidant and free-radical scavenging properties making it a must-have for the health conscious.

Sparkling Water: If you’re a soda drinker, you’re adding caffeine, sugar, or if you are a diet soda fan, artificial sweetener to your body everyday with negative consequences. Water on its own may not feel like the treat you crave so that is where sparkling water comes in. Water is good for your health, your skin, helps to prevent headaches and has the added benefit of helping you to feel full thus helping you to resist treats.

Healthy Snacks: A baggie full of carrot sticks, pretzels, apple slices, or almonds can help you deal with the times of the day when you have the munchies. By having healthy foods readily available on which to snack will help you to resist going in search of something less healthy to deal with your cravings.

Brown Bag It: Portions in restaurants are notoriously large and it is so tough to opt for steamed veggies when french fries are available. Bringing your own lunch is a sure fire way to keep nutritionally conscious. And it still gives you time to take a walk around the block perhaps?

No Caffeine After 2pm: Caffeine consumed with dinner can interfere with your sleep at night. Lack of sleep slows down your metabolism leaving you feeling sluggish.

Stock Your Pantry and Refrigerator with Healthy Choices: Plan a menu of healthy meals and snacks at the beginning of each week, list the ingredients you’ll need, and shop for everything once a week. That way you know you’ll have what you want when you need it, and you won’t have to stress over what to eat each night; you’ll already have thought of it! Keep cookies and treats at a minimum so you won’t have temptations staring at you each time you open the cupboard.

Ask Dr Shook takes a look at emotional eating, food as an addiction, exercise, nutrition, as well as review of many popular diet plans in her specialty track entitled: Change Your Relationship with Food…Change Your Life. Healthy diets are out partner in combating the stress in everyday life. It's time to put an end to self-sabotaging behaviors!

Tips for Talking to Teens

"You never listen to me!" Most parents can readily say they have been the recipient of this accusation on more than one occasion. But communication between parents and teens can work and is something for which to strive. AskDrShook offers these tips and more with the OMGosh Teens Specialty Track:

Be Available

• Notice times when your teens are most likely to talk--for example, at bedtime, before dinner, in the car--and seize the moment. Don’t discount that some of the most rewarding conversations happen spontaneously. The trick is to be alert.


• Start the conversation. When they get home from school, ask them about their day. Yes, they will probably just say "it was okay" and no back and forth conversation will ensue, but it still lets your kids know you care about what's happening in their lives.


• Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child, and avoid scheduling other
  activities during that time. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, or expensive; it’s the time together that counts.


• Learn about your children's interests--for example, favorite music and activities--and show interest in them while at the same time respecting their privacy. A parent’s over interest in their world can be a “deal breaker”.


• Don’t start conversations with a question. That puts them on the spot. Start instead by sharing what you have been thinking about.

Listen and Respond

• Make a rule to listen to everything because when your teen knows you are listening to the little stuff, their faith that you will listen to big stuff as well increases.


• Listen to their point of view even if it's difficult to hear and focus on their feelings instead
  of your own. There will be time for your feelings later.


• Let them complete their point before you respond and don't interrupt. In a national survey, more than half the children said that when they talked, their parents often didn't give them a chance to explain themselves. What a frustrating feeling!


• Talk to your children--don't lecture, criticize, threaten, or say hurtful things. Your goal is
  to have a conversation and conversations involve at least two people. Almost every parent says at least 50% more than he or she should.


• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly. This is important for both of you.


• Soften strong reactions and don’t attack. Kids will tune you out if you appear angry or
  defensive. So take a deep breath before engaging your vocal cords.


• Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it's okay to disagree. Show respect for your teen's opinions and hopefully they will show respect for yours.


• Be yourself and don’t try to talk like your kids or their friends. Teens are smart and will see right through that. You’re a parent so talk like a parent.


• Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation. Are they asking for your advice or do they just need you to listen? (This is good advice in a marriage as well).

There is no recipe for perfect parenting. But it is encouraging to know that parents and teens can bridge the communication gap with a dash of patience and a big scoop of respect. And above all, remember children are never too old to be told that they are loved.

The Road to Teen Resiliency

The dictionary defines resilient as “marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune”. The thesaurus offers the word “adaptable” as a synonym. Or a more common way to phrase it, resiliency indicates an ability to “roll with the punches”. Resilient children are hopeful and possess high self worth. They feel special and appreciated. They are aware of their weaknesses, but are able to seek out help in areas in which they do not excel. They problem solve, face challenges, and set goals. As parents there are ways we can help our teens on their road to resiliency.

Be empathetic. As adults with challenges of our own, it can be easy to make light of the stresses of the teenage years. Be sure to give your teen your full attention if they open up to you about what is bothering them and don’t dismiss their problems as being minor.

Communicate effectively and listen actively. Look for times to talk with your teen. The car can be ideal for many teen as they don’t have to look at you face to face and there are few distractions. Help your teen to learn how to ask for what they need and explain why without you turning it into a power struggle. Listen and don’t interrupt. Accept your teens for who they are. Remind them that you love them for the unique people they are, not simply for what they do or don't do.

Help your teens experience success by identifying and reinforcing areas of competence. Everybody has areas of interest and skill, but it may take time to discover, nurture, and develop what they are. The mastery of an interest/skill brings a sense of accomplishment which once experienced, will make your teen want to seek that feeling over and over. Success begets success.

Help your teens recognize that mistakes are experiences from which to learn. Don’t be a “helicopter” parent hovering and protecting them from all you view as unsafe. Instead let them make their own mistakes (as long as they are not truly safety issues) Talk through their mistakes, help them to determine what went wrong, and how to proceed differently the next time.

Develop responsibility, compassion and a social conscience by providing teens with opportunities to volunteer. Teenagers need opportunities to make a positive difference in their world. Foster their social conscience as well as help them to get outside of their own needs by involving them in charitable work, such as a walk for cancer awareness or food drives.

Teach problem solving and decision making. As they get older, teens want to make more of their own decisions. Resilient teens are able to describe their problems, consider different solutions and learn from the outcomes.

Discipline in a way that promotes self-discipline and self-worth. This means being consistent, but not rigid; knowing your teen’s capabilities and not pushing them for unrealistic expectations, relying when possible on natural, logical consequences rather than arbitrary, punitive measures. Lastly remember that positive feedback and encouragement are often the most powerful form of discipline.

Do you feel like you could use some extra help with your teen? Sometimes it can be so difficult to know the best way to communicate to this person who used to hold your hand, but now wants to hold the car keys. Or maybe you are struggling with the difficult areas of drug or alcohol abuse. Perhaps you need some guidance on dating. Let askdrshook help with the OMGosh Teens Specialty track.

Is Life a Fairy Tale?

Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman who met a wildly successful man. It was love at first sight and it wasn’t long before their thoughts turned to marriage and family. But they had priorities, a career, a home, and a 401K. Ah yes, the American dream.

They have two children, Joey and Sally. As the children grew, Dad volunteered as the coach for the sports teams, Mom volunteered for PTA. TV time was limited, and when it was on, it was turned to educational channels. Joey and Sally much preferred to spend time with their parents rather than play computer games.

As a high school student, Joey is tall, athletic, and kind. He has a 4.5 GPA and wished he had more time for school. So far he hasn’t had to miss a soccer, baseball, basketball, or football game. Good thing because his team really counts on him. He can’t wait for college and his sports scholarship!

Like Joey, Sally thrives on school and friends. For her extracurricular activities, she focuses on charity work. She reads to underprivileged children, runs food drives, and builds homes in 3rd world countries. Her best friend is her mom. Sally wears a purity ring and never gets home past curfew.

Recently, Grandma has come to live with the family – the kids were both so happy to give up their play room for her. After all, family is always the priority. Grandma is so much fun! She loves to travel and participates in water aerobics twice a week.

Mr. and Mrs. Perfect just had their 25th wedding anniversary and renewed their vows. They don’t ever remember saying a cross word to each other. Divorce is a word that has never crossed their lips. No, theirs is the perfect life.

Is this a description of your life? I’d hazard a guess that your answer was no. Life is not perfect. We don’t always find love on the first try. Our children are not perfect. Our aging parents don’t have the option of moving into an empty bedroom, nor are they always healthy. No, life is a journey with bumps. Sometimes it provides us with significant detours. But that doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. Ask Dr Shook.com is about giving you tools and providing you with the support you need to live the life that fulfills your God-given destiny. Take a look and let’s get started…

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